TSA

CBS News reports — erroneously — that the TSA has apologized for its horrific abuse of Shelbi Walser. You remember her: the 12-year-old girl with brittle bone disease whom the agency’s sadists “detained” for an hour at Dallas-Fort Worth, reducing the poor child to tears while separating her from her mother. The Nazis more cruelly tormented their victims, but still, deliberately depriving a sick little girl of her mother and bullying her until she cries, well … with every day and every atrocity, the TSA approaches ever nearer its mentors’ satanic benchmark.

At any rate, the TSA has released a statement about Shelbi’s ordeal that doesn’t even remotely resemble an apology. Rather, it defends the utterly indefensible and barbaric while propagandizing for the TSA, insulting our intelligence and blatantly lying:

“We regret that the experience of this young lady was not a positive one as we always strive to screen passengers with dignity and respect while ensuring the safety of all travelers. Everything TSA does is designed to protect against another terrorist attack. In all likelihood, this traveler would have presented no risk, yet we could take no chances. She alarmed for explosive residue and TSA took the necessary steps to resolve the alarm.”

Nauseating, isn’t it? Contrast this self-serving prattle with the apology you have received from an entrepreneur when his service or product failed to satisfy you: does he blame you for failing to have a “positive experience” while excusing himself because, heck, he’s got a business to run and everything he does is designed to fill its coffers?

Meanwhile, since none of the overpaid psychopaths at the TSA’s headquarters can simply and sincerely apologize for brutalizing a child, I refer them to www.apologyletters.net. There they will find several templates — admittedly too mild for this gross evil but adaptable nonetheless — such as “Apology Letter for Behavior,” “Apology Letter for Customer,” “Formal Apology Letter,” etc. Unlike the TSA’s infuriating pap, these letters confess that the fault was solely and totally the offender’s while humbly asking the victim’s forgiveness.

Indeed, I have taken the liberty of completing “Apology Letter for Behavior” lest that basic task flummox the TSA’s morons. To wit:

Dear Shelbi:

Please allow us to apologize for what we did on the day you flew out of Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. Our behavior was extremely inappropriate (many would say criminal), immature, and lacked the respect you or any human being deserved. It was a disruption and distracted others from the pleasure one should feel in traveling – or, in your case, a very serious ordeal as you undergo treatment for your illness (for which we extend our sympathies as well as our deepest regrets at exacerbating your burden).

It was embarrassing, but we learned that nobody appreciated our poor behavior. In the future, we have every intention of curbing our thoughtless actions and learn to adjust our behavior befitting the environment and situation. In fact, we are disbanding the TSA tomorrow so no one else ever suffers from our shocking inhumanity and stupidity as you did.

Again, we are sorry for our actions and we hope that we can put this matter behind us before outraged Americans lynch us. We look forward to going home once and for all, with the TSA abolished, so that we never harm you or anyone else again. If you have any thoughts in this, please feel free to share. You may contact us at your convenience – though we understand if the mere thought of us unconscionable monsters revolts you past bearing.

Sincerely,

TSA

Now, that’s an apology.

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Photo added to original post.